My Need

Jealous Heart

My heart is so heavy. It's heavy with pain, jealousy and love. I'm conflicted. I was a rebound for him. We rushed into this. I knew he wasn't over his ex girlfriend. Not after a mere five weeks, but he was everything I wanted at the time, and so good to me. Now I leave this with a beaten self-esteem and a jealous heart.

I'm praying for God to take the jealousy away. I am good enough. I know that in my head. Despite that knowledge, I can't help but focus on the fact that he hates my breasts and wants me to get implants, I'm too messy, too sensitive, too forgetful, too annoying. In his eyes I'm not good enough. However in my past I've always felt good enough. Now I'm conflicted. I'm jealous of his ex girlfriends that he loved so much, more than he ever loved me. I'm not jealous of their fake breasts, or stretch mark free bodies. I'm jealous that he was so close to them, but couldn't get close to me. He was emotionally unavailable and had to try so hard to care for me. It wasn't natural. It was forced.

For me, he was the person I loved more than all the others. The first person I was ever really in love with, the first man who ever really made love to me. Now I feel foolish. I built him up in my head. I imagined our wedding day and how our children would look. I imagined moving in together, but almost a year into our relationship - I don't even have a key.

I can't think of the good times because I will break down and cry. I got rid of all of our pictures. I can't see us happy. He was like my first decadent cupcake from Magnolia's bakery. It smelled amazing, and after one lick of the icing I was hooked. It tasted out of this world. So, I indulged in it. I enjoyed the euphoric sugar rush it instantly gave me. I enjoyed the way it made me feel inhibited. I was cheating on my clean eating diet and finally eating what I craved! Now that the sugar rush is over I'm left with a migraine, a stomachache, heart burn and guilt.

Part of me is relieved. Once this is gone all of these negative feelings will be gone. I will begin to love my body again. Just because he didn't like it doesn't mean that everyone will dislike it. I will finish losing my last 10 pounds and maybe even get my breasts done for me, because I've wanted them lifted and perky since I was 17. I won't have to be jealous over his relationship with his ex girlfriend/best friend. I can be free of it all. I don't want to deal with the opposite sex anymore. I don't want a relationship at all. I can't stomach the pain anymore.

Dreams that speak to you

Let me preface this by saying that I am very religious. I believe in God and ever since he spoke to me at 17 through Viola, I know that he has a plan for me. I know he watches me closely and wants the best for me. I know what he wants from me, but feel it's so hard for me to accomplish. However, this weekend will help make me more determined to go down the proper path.

I don't understand what my purpose is yet, but maybe I'm getting close?

Ever since I was a teenager I've been able to sense certain things. Lately this "ability" has gotten stronger. I can feel when something bad might happen, or a thought will pop into my head of a situation and that situation will then materialize. It's some what prophetic. God speaks to me in my dreams. I dreamed about my ex boyfriend's past. He was all wrong for me and cheating on me/lying to me. I dreamed the name of the other woman. A name I never knew.

I pay close attention to my dreams and how I feel after. I'm trying to learn to decipher between the dreams that are messages from God and the dreams that are just part of my self-conscious. So far the dreams that are messages from God have materialized in the natural world leading me to confirm they were from God.

Friday night after watching Paranormal Activity 2 I went to bed. I was a little shaken by the movie so I was expecting to have a nightmare or two. What I wasn't expecting was for God to talk to me in my dream. I wasn't expecting him to give me a glimpse of what could take place and allowing me to pray about it in advance.

I dreamed something bad was going to happen to my father. In my dream a demon was after his soul. He was going to die. I was running after him trying to save him. I don't know if he was driving or how he was moving away from me. That's all very foggy. I do know that the demon was after me as well. I somehow saw or knew that I had two Guardian Angels. I asked God to allow one of my Guardian Angels to protect my father. I remember hearing myself scream Daddy!! Daddy!! Daddy!! I don't remember if I woke up from that or if the dream continued. I don't remember if I prayed for my dad's protection before or after screaming for him either.

Saturday morning I had a bad feeling in my stomach about my Dad. I kept thinking I needed to check in on him for some reason. I blamed the nightmare. However, I couldn't shake the bad feeling. I kept texting him and feeling relief when he responded.

Sunday night my dad tells me that when he was driving his left wheel fell off and his brakes stopped working. He lost control of the car and the car ended up in front of a church between two telephone polls. A collision with either poll could have caused my Dad severe injuries. This could have ended in so many horrific ways. However, he ended up safe and sound. I got chills when I heard this story.

I believe this was God not only protecting my father, but getting my attention again. He knows what he's doing. I'm trying to continue my Christian walk. I know getting off track is a way of life, but I'd love to stay on track. I need to find a strong Christian community by me. Maybe Monmouth County worship center? Christ Church doesn't do it for me.... the one in Montclair does. God will point me in the right direction and make whats meant to be materialize.

The crazy thing about it was that this happened on his deceased mother's birthday. I've always wondered if she was my guardian angel, now I think she is and protects both my father and me.